Sportalians

From CTYIwiki

'Sportalians' (also known (less popularly) as 'Spit'alians,'Sperm'talians and dickheads) are the European students who stay in DCU in during the Summer, leading to (often unwanted) interaction with CTYI students. The Sportalians are known among CTYI students for loud behaviour, smoking, and wearing sunglasses indoors. They are generally just plain annoying.

Contents 1 Name and variations 2 Language and Culture 3 Notable Events 3.1 CTYI '06 3.2 CTYI '08 3.3 CTYI ' 09 3.4 CTYI '10 3.5 CTYI '11 4 How To Deal With Sportalians

Name and variations

The name Sportalian is derived from their mysterious country of origin. It is difficult for students to know the range of nationalities among the Sportalians, and the belief (usually mostly correct) that they are Spainish ("Sp"), Portuguese ("port") and Italian ("talian") leads to the catchy name. It should be noted, however, that there are other nationalities mixed in with this (for example, after speaking to Sportalians it was found that there were some Greek students). In 2011, after talking to some Italian students I discovered that there are most likely no Portuguese or Spanish students, but some French. Hense the new but not very popular 'Fritalians'

"Spermtalians" - During CTYI Session 1 07 the year's batch of Sportalians were discovered to include German students, leading to the name Spermtalians. This led to an extraordinary amount of giggling. Many thought Sportalians couldn't get worse; they were wrong.

Spitalians is another variation, although it is unknown what time this originates from, it is possible that it is from a session when there were no Portuguese students, thus demanding a new name with suitably crude connotations.

Language and Culture

All Sportalians appear to be fluent in at least two languages: their native Sportalian tongue and sleazy chat-up lines. Although little is known about how they acquired this irritating knowledge of broken English, one assumes it comes from watching lots and lots of bad movies.

As stated above, Sportalians spend most of their time drinking, smoking, making noise and hanging around looking greasy. They tend to wear expensive designer clothes and sunglasses, and bright yellow or orange backpacks (In 2008, they were a headache-inducing luminous green). They have been spotted walking in groups of five or six wearing near-identical outfits.When they go for a trip into town, they generally come back wearing oversized leprechaun hats and the like.

They get better food than us in the canteen (croissants for breakfast!) and get the legendary Hub for their discos.

Notable Events

CTYI '06

Session 1

• In the canteen, Yutaka Kumagai accepted a bribe (€2) to hug a Sportalian. Instead of walking up and asking one, like we imagined, he just pounced on a huge, 6ft Italian boy, who quickly pushed him off and shouted in fractured English: "Do that again, and I'll breaka your ankles!". Charming.

• Italy won the world cup during this session, and this, with Sportalians on campus, caused a small problem. The Italian Sportalians ran about the campus, and are reported to have flashed students. They also stepped up the volume for that night (impressive, considering how loud they usually are), making sleeping even more difficult for CTYI students.

CTYI '08

Session 1

• As three girls made their way to the first disco in full costume they jokingly gave a war cry, which was echoed by a bunch of Sportalians hanging out a nearby window. The girls hurried along, but were immediately wolf-whistled and shouted at:"You are very beautiful girls!" to which Eimear Maguire shouted back, "LIKE YOUR MOTHER!"
  
• Not only were they clearly defeated, but another group of Sportalians walking the other way began to point and laugh while the girls escaped to the disco. Ownage.

Session 2

• Three nights into Session Two, the Sportalians discovered tin whistles and harmonicas and played the the same, short tune constantly throughout the night outside the Larkfield residences, much to the annoyance of the students (especially those who were on the ground floor of House 6).
• During a Fire Drill in the second week, Firetree (Andy) managed to get two Sportalians to pose in a photograph with him. They were considerably shorter than him.
• In the Talent Show, 'The Yo-Malleys' (Liz and Joanna O'Malley) performed a song which they'd written in which they complain about the canteen food and Sportalians (specifically that they "Sleep all day and drink all night" and that "You Sportalians are not all right")

CTYI ' 09

Session 1
Jebet returns to the wfl classroom on last day to look for a spare broadsheet. Sportalians are sitting in room, plotting evil attacks on the gpo (well we think), and look scathhingly at Jebet as she almost faints with the shock and disgust.

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Session 2

• On lunch in week 2 of the second session in 09 a group of greasy Sportalians (complete with sun glasses and sports bags) assaulted and traumatised a gothic studies student, Shauna Caffrey, with cameras. Said student was forced into being photographed with two of the individuals,because of her rather strange and "out there" appearance and was severely traumatised and is suffering from overexposure to Sportalianism.

• At dinner time in the second week a group of Sportalians sprouted conversation with Pirate Deco and two other computer apps students, they queried the location of the nearest Head Shop, they hd to explain to them the origin of the term "sportalians", while the sportalians refered to us as "the weird irish".

• Pirate Deco was constantly harrassed by the Sportalians throughout the course, the most common query was regarding the reason for the pirate costume, but also the explaination of bathrobe thursday. Also several of whom asked at one point throughout the course for a photograph with the pirate

• A certain CTYI student by the name of "Irish Emma" (Named thus, to differentiate from "American Emma") scored a Sportalian during Session II 2009. Somehow, the world did not end at this moment. This Emma lured the Sportalians to her by using about the only word of Sportalian she knew: "Chicos". Her RA got annoyed because, apart from the shame of calling her a member of their group, she also completely ruined their chances in the Points Game. Action was taken after this incident, namely the banning of Emma from the disco. It should be noted that she perhaps committed an even more shocking crime, namely, insulting Haggis' accent.

CTYI '10

Session 1

• During Session 1 2010, there was almost a riot between Sportalians and CTYIzens as the Sportalians roared and tried to invade the quad, celebrating Spain's victory in the semi-finals of that year's world cup. The Sportalians cheered loudly "Spain" and "Ole Ole" while we replied with "Ireland" and "Holland". Eventually the RAs stepped in as the Sportalians retreated. Clearly a victory for CTYIzens.

• Also, one particular sportalien was seen walking around in drag which traumatised many students and staff.

Session 2

• During session 2 a large number of CTYIzens and CATs were mooned by three sportaliens while another two stood at the window of their ground-floor apartment in just towels performing inapropriate movements. Ray the RA was pushed towards this appartment to try and stop them, he didn't.

• A small number of Sportaliens came into the quad the first night as spain had just won the world cup, while they were annoying, they weren't to bad due to their small numbers, and left quickly. Not before several people shouted at them out the window.

• During Session 2, Pirate Deco herded several sportalians out of the quad with a continuous mexican sounding strum of the E chord on his guitar while screaming "We are Evil" and "Mwahahahahaha".

• Also during Session 2 Kevin and Pirate Deco were punished by having to miss the second disco after throwing three water balloons out their window at 11:30 pm in the second week at the loud and obnoxious sportalians, the main reason as to why they were punished was due to the fact that they managed to hit a Sportalian RA square in the head. This came to be known as The Battle of Sportalia

CTYI '11

Session 1 Before the second disco, two Sportalian boys tried talking to a group of CTYI girls, namely Anna Nichols, Bév McDonnell, Charlotte Bean. They were simple creatures, who asked questions like "Eh, what are your names? and "Where are you from?". They bullshitted their way in conversation, with one even saying "Ah you're from Castleknock, very nice." as if he had a clue where that is. The one attempting to chat up Charlotte was attacked by a Sportalian girl yelling (in English, which was weird) "YOU BREAKA THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU SAID I WAS THE ONLY GIRL FOR YOU" while hitting him repeatedly. The Sportalian male in question kept asking Charlotte to confirm that "We were talking, tell her we were only talking." Charlotte lived in the end though, as Barry, being the manly man that he is, came over and asserted his boyf status.

Once while returning to the quad Foxy was photographed by some Sportalians. Stalkers.

Session 2

In session two, two journalism students and one CAT game design student interviewed a Sportalian. They attracted a considerable audience of about 20 Sportalians, and left with notes, photographs, videos, three italian e-mail addresses and a cigarette burn mark on one of the journalism student's notebooks. The journalists returned to class grinning and are now considered quite mad.

On numerous nights, one game design student Gareth Quaile hung outside one of the top floor windows shouting abuse at sportalians, he would shout things like "Gringo" and "Nacho Supreme" but the most memorable quote was his "Viva Mussolini" chants, he gathered regular crowds of butthurt Sportalians.

How To Deal With Sportalians

1. If you spot a sportalian stay at a 5m distance at all times. Don't approach one unless you mean to cause them harm.
2. Please do not feed the sportalians. They are on a special canteen diet (thats better than ours)
3. If a group of sportalians approach you and start to harass you. use complicated words in your next sentence and then tell them to spell one of them. whilst they are still trying to figure out what you have just said run back to the quad.
4. If a small group of sportalians are looking at you,saying something in their strange undefined language and then laughing whilst pointing at you. start talking to your friends in whatever Irish you know. e.g. "Tá cáca milish sa speir" or "Tá sicin is ainm dom" and then laugh.
5. If a group of sportalians are making noise outside your window. Simply fill a glass or bottle with cold water and pour it on them. then hop back into bed before they see you.
6. When they are walking by say things like "yeah I was talking to you" or "I don't respect you", I personally prefere to call them "scum". its pointless but great fun.
7. Sportalians have no souls. So don't get all "your mother" on them because when they grow up they eat their mothers so that will only make them hungry.
8. If you are talking about a Sportalian behind his/her back and "it" turns around. be sure to run in to the quad on an imaginary horse shouting "the sportalians are learning, the sportalians are learning." and when you have peoples attention, drop to your knees and say in a weak voice. "one day they will become... will become... fluent" and then drop dead.
9. If they are looking at you, look at them back, then insult in long words, but be sure to smile all the time. They will be confused.
10. If they ask for a picture, what they really mean is "I'd like to steal your soul". It will usually be done when you are a bathrobe. Be wary. Don't smile, they suck your soul out your mouth.

I hope these tips help you.